Friday, July 11, 2014

Double Daze

I missed smoking. There was something dirty about it that I found comforting from my crazed days in the city. I can remember meeting her on the park bench just before dark for our nightly smoke. She's who really got me smoking. I did it for her, until I started doing it for me. Drinking was kind of like that. One sip for taste. One bottle for pleasure. She's who really got me to stop drinking. I was doing it for me, until I started doing it for her. My friends would laugh at me about how much I could drink.... I would laugh at them about how much they could fuck.

Wonderland was the finest until it wasn't. Something about ignoring the rest of the world can bring you such power and freedom to be yourself. I liked things grunge. I liked the "I didn't brush my hair today look". I liked the dark eyeliner and red lips look. I liked my over sized vintage tops. I liked my boots. I liked being friends but never lovers. I liked being drunk. I liked being everything and nothing.
I liked it all. And I wanted it all. I had it all. I didn't care what the world thought.
Somewhere in the middle of all that, you find yourself in the rabbit hole. Lost in Wonderland and not knowing how to get out. She reached her hand out. And there, I was alive again.

Watching the smoke settle was like watching her fall in love. The ground would shake.
I can remember sitting on the side of the hill, legs swinging back and forth. Beer after beer, I was buzzed. The sun touched my face as I laughed into the clouds. I looked around and there were my friends. All sitting around more worried about watching their mate. That's when I knew it.... I wasn't like them. I wanted to make love to nature and free myself like any hippie. I didn't care about people. I didn't care about it.
Wanting nothing more than free drinks and a good time.... got me everything I never wanted. And so it was.

Looking back on my life, there was happiness, sadness, and craze. I don't know much about that person anymore. I'm sure she's in there somewhere. Locked away from the world... that was her favorite. She probably smiles when I drink and laughs when I smell smoke. She probably giggles when I dance gypsy circles and sling into a daze wrapped in red. I hope I have made her proud. I hope she's happy. Maybe we will meet again; different terms and we could have been ground breaking.

"Get you right where you'll like it. You'll like it, I promise, I swear", she whispered.
I was scared to trust her.... all the visions of my past came running back to me.
But I jumped (what was one last time... for good measure).
She was right. I would like it. I would be addicted to the touch, to the high.
She lead me right down the path to my heart.
I will never be able to thank my evil twin. She gave me everything I never knew I wanted.
Sometimes when Kelsey isn't looking, I will stare at her. In all her perfection, I stare. I smile as I think about the voice in my head, "Get you right where you'll like it. You'll like it, I promise, I swear."

So yeah, she's still in there. And I don't mind.

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