Sunday, May 25, 2014

The Truth About it All

Many people want to hear about a happy ending. They want to hear that my story has hope and a bright way out. It didn't really happen that way. My coming out story was none of those things. Maybe some people are glad, maybe some people would rather not hear the truth about it all... but here it is:

I always knew... yeah like most people will tell you-- over time it became more noticeable. I hadn't planned on acting on my feelings. I was mostly numb by fear... but then there she was.
I can not say that enough; there she was. I opened my eyes and my heart followed. She was perfect. And my heart knew it. I ran-- no, more like jumped into a free falling wonderland.

A few months went by before walls started falling... in other words, people started to take notice of our new found gaze for one another. My sister was one of the first-- which I guess shouldn't have come as a surprise. We had always been very close, of course she would notice that certain "pop" in ones eye when they have been bitten by the love bug. My sister and I no longer have a relationship.
Sometimes I like to think we have just been overly busy and lost contact. But the truth is, she could not look past the fact my life partner is a female. I will always love my sister and I will always miss her.

Naturally once my sister found out, my mother found out as well. This has been and still is a work in progress. A month after the "big news" broke out, I moved out of my parents house and into a home with my partner. No one wants to live with the feeling that you are walking on egg shells, so we chose not to.

Just recently I sat my father down and told him his daughter was dating a woman and very much in love. I was ready for him to yell, throw things, and disown me like my sister. I have never had a great relationship with my father so the fear I had was heart pounding. He did none of those things. He hugged me and told me he loved me.
When I was a little girl, I actually thought my father could pick up trees and move them. Like I mean, I really thought this could take place. He was my hero. As I started to grow up, my views on my father slowly began to change. Long story short, he wasn't my favorite person. But four years later, sitting on the couch with my father in the house I grew up in, telling him I was "different", with his arms around me, In this moment, he was my hero.

Allowing people to know the "real" you is not an easy thing to do. People can be so fast to place judgment and give ugly looks and ugly words. Through this progress of "growing", as I like to say, my heart, my mind, my relationship, and my self-worth have been put to the test. But I'll let you in on a little secret; even the deepest cuts will heal.

So this is the truth about it all.  And guess what... I am happy.

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