Tuesday, September 30, 2014

The people we knew in wonderland

Time after time, I find myself wondering in circles. Always the same circles. Always the same result. What would happen if I jumped out of the bubble. Ran? What would I become? 
I run back to the night I never met. I run in circles but it never happened. I like it all that way. 
Listening to teeth telling me how to quit. What if we never loved at all? 

She smiles and says, "You're broken, my darling". And just like that I fall back into my life. Sitting in an office with the phone lighting up, with the people screaming for more. Coffee slipping down my shirt. My mind spinning.

My daydream cut short by a complaining boss.

I felt like Alice in Wonderland... lost in the real world.... only alive in the world found in poor little Alice's mind. But I like it all that way. 

Looking back on my life, I see snap shots of who I was. Flashing in front of me like a large projection throwing images of someone I no longer knew. 
She was pretty. She was sure. She was lost. She was free. 

She saved me. 

I met many people-- many things, I should say-- while staying in Wonderland. 
A talking flower that would sing sweet words to whom ever would listen. 
A wise fox that whore glasses and always carried a book.
An owl with the ability to read minds. 
A scary wolf that could tell the future. 
A floating bubble that could take you anywhere in the world. 
A snake that would erase any sin of your choice. 

They all ran free in Wonderland but sadly they were trapped there. 

Maybe they didn't have it all.... 

Maybe they didn't want mortality. 

Maybe my daydreams where their nightmares. 

Maybe nightmares are just reality.  

Tuesday, September 16, 2014

The Unknown

Over the years I find myself lost. 
Truly lost at sea
But what's so wrong with that?

I prefer it this way.
I prefer looking away from the unknown.
I prefer not knowing 

What happens when the rest of the world moves forward?
What happens when the rest of us love?
What happens when it's not me?

I never look at myself in the mirror anymore. 
The face lost in motion is not mine.
The face gleaming back at me, she is not mine.

Over the years I find myself wondering.
Wondering around this hopeless world.
But what's so wrong with that? 

I like it this way.
I like looking away from this world 
I like not knowing 

What happens when it's over?
What happens when I look through the glass?
What happens when it's meant for me?

I never wonder in circles anymore.
The circles always turned black.
The circles haunting me, they are not mine.

Over the years, I have stopped looking for the unknown.

Tuesday, September 2, 2014

Getting featured and all

Some of you have been reading my blog from the start... and others have just started reading. Either way, I could not be more happy to share what I love to do with anyone willing to read.
Recently, like two days ago.... my blog was featured on the "hot and trending" blog, Every Day is a Holiday by Carrie Buchert. YAY, right?! Right!



 Here is the link! Check it out!

 http://carriebuchert.wordpress.com/2014/08/27/happy-national-tug-of-war-day/


Thank you to everyone that has supported me through the years!

Thank you, thank you

Wednesday, July 30, 2014

How they did it

I liked walking in circles. You never knew what thought would hit you next. One minute you are laughing and the other, you are crying.
I liked running in circles. Emotions hit you fast. Racing.... circles.... racing.
A high like no other.

They snorted coke in a circle. I walked around them. Wondering how they did it.

They kissed in a line. I ran around them. Wondering how they did it.

I was never one to follow the threat. But something about this I liked. Danger... Free.
I never snorted or kissed openly (what the hell does that even mean?!).
My mom always wondered what was wrong. It was all the things I had seen.
All the things I knew about.

One night, my friend Jake and I sat on the cold, hard ground and talked about how we would want to die. I knew I didn't mean what I was saying... but I didn't know the same for him. He was dark. He was scary.... in a safe way. I didn't trust him but I knew he wouldn't hurt me-- I had too much on him.
He ran in circles. Keeping up with the flow. I watched... Wondering how he did it.
He was crazy.

I had long black hair and always gave a wicked smile. That was me. I was crazy.

"Try this. I promise you'll like it."
I never danced around in circles and I wasn't going to start.
I looked at the mushrooms in his hand. They looked sad crumbing to pieces.
I didn't want to play their game. I carried the ace.

They dazed over and over again. I laughed in circles. Wondering how they did it.


I look back now.... Wondering how they did it.

Friday, July 11, 2014

Double Daze

I missed smoking. There was something dirty about it that I found comforting from my crazed days in the city. I can remember meeting her on the park bench just before dark for our nightly smoke. She's who really got me smoking. I did it for her, until I started doing it for me. Drinking was kind of like that. One sip for taste. One bottle for pleasure. She's who really got me to stop drinking. I was doing it for me, until I started doing it for her. My friends would laugh at me about how much I could drink.... I would laugh at them about how much they could fuck.

Wonderland was the finest until it wasn't. Something about ignoring the rest of the world can bring you such power and freedom to be yourself. I liked things grunge. I liked the "I didn't brush my hair today look". I liked the dark eyeliner and red lips look. I liked my over sized vintage tops. I liked my boots. I liked being friends but never lovers. I liked being drunk. I liked being everything and nothing.
I liked it all. And I wanted it all. I had it all. I didn't care what the world thought.
Somewhere in the middle of all that, you find yourself in the rabbit hole. Lost in Wonderland and not knowing how to get out. She reached her hand out. And there, I was alive again.

Watching the smoke settle was like watching her fall in love. The ground would shake.
I can remember sitting on the side of the hill, legs swinging back and forth. Beer after beer, I was buzzed. The sun touched my face as I laughed into the clouds. I looked around and there were my friends. All sitting around more worried about watching their mate. That's when I knew it.... I wasn't like them. I wanted to make love to nature and free myself like any hippie. I didn't care about people. I didn't care about it.
Wanting nothing more than free drinks and a good time.... got me everything I never wanted. And so it was.

Looking back on my life, there was happiness, sadness, and craze. I don't know much about that person anymore. I'm sure she's in there somewhere. Locked away from the world... that was her favorite. She probably smiles when I drink and laughs when I smell smoke. She probably giggles when I dance gypsy circles and sling into a daze wrapped in red. I hope I have made her proud. I hope she's happy. Maybe we will meet again; different terms and we could have been ground breaking.

"Get you right where you'll like it. You'll like it, I promise, I swear", she whispered.
I was scared to trust her.... all the visions of my past came running back to me.
But I jumped (what was one last time... for good measure).
She was right. I would like it. I would be addicted to the touch, to the high.
She lead me right down the path to my heart.
I will never be able to thank my evil twin. She gave me everything I never knew I wanted.
Sometimes when Kelsey isn't looking, I will stare at her. In all her perfection, I stare. I smile as I think about the voice in my head, "Get you right where you'll like it. You'll like it, I promise, I swear."

So yeah, she's still in there. And I don't mind.








Sunday, June 15, 2014

Watching the Moon Fall

What happened to holding on to everything you want in this life and never letting go? 
What happened to the love?
People change so fast and before you know it, you're right there too.
I use to sing to the moon every night-- I haven't done that in ages. 
Feeling free was once all I craved. Now I don't remember how.

I hate looking back. Your stomach turns; Your heart burns.
But for what? So, you can be thankful for how it all turned out? 
Yes.

I once let a gypsy friend of mine read my palm. 
She was my favorite wild child.
I looked up to her talent and her willingness to be free. 
We sat down one drunken night. She washed her eyes over my soul. And I gave her my secrets.
She read my lines as if reading a heart breaking fairy tale. 
In that moment, I hated her. 
I hated she could see my truth.
Being scared, I remember telling myself, "you decide your fate, you decide". 
But you don't really.

A year later, I sit here today, a completely different person.
My fate had played a trick on me.
And maybe I liked it.

Where was my family?
No where to be found.
She warned me.

Where was my hope?
Beside me.
She spoke of this.

Where was my heart?
It found it's way home.
She promised it.

"The moon will guide you", she said.
"The trees will calm you", she said.
"The stars will hold you", she said.
She was right.

"You will always be a gypsy", she said.
"You will always have a heart of a wolf", she said.
"You will always cry to the moon", she said.
"You will always be able to free your soul", she said.
"You will always be dark and praise the dead", she said.

I hated her.
How could she promise these things?

Things have lined up just as she promised.

I often think back to that night... sitting in her little apartment, smoke filling the air, booze circling around us, cards placed in star formation-- there I was, red lipstick, black hair, grey lace dress, ripped black tights, pale skin glowing in the candle light; cigarette interlaced between my fingers, I felt sick.
"Your demons will always haunt you".
With that, I ran.
Making my way past the door, feeling the fresh night air wash over my face, I grabbed ahold of the stair railing as I climbed down the stairs. Stumbling down the last three, I fell to my knees. Feeling numb I picked myself up and continued running.
Running past the parking lot and finding myself along the black top road.
Looking each way, not knowing where I was going or where I would end up; something caught my eye.
It was a solid black cat laying on the sidewalk. I walked toward the feline expecting it to run at the sight of a human. But it didn't run. As I got closer I could she the cat was breathing very heavily.
I crawled onto my knees, scooping her up in my arms-- blood soaking my dress.
I sat there for a long moment, rocking her in my arms.
Her stomach appeared to be inside out; she had been torn open like a chew toy by some kind of animal.
I held her close, fearing her last breath would be the explosion of mine.
She looked up at me with the most breathtaking eyes-- like most black cats have.
I tried to still my body as yelps escaped my mouth, reaching my head to the night sky.
Tears blurred my vision as I looked back down at her.
She was dead.
I screamed. A scream I had never heard before.
I yelled, "Fuck you", Over and Over again.
With the black cat still in my arms, I carried her into the woods.
My tights catching every little branch.
My dress was covered in blood-- every inch of it.
My hands shaking as I watched blood find the lines in my hands. The same ones Kiki had just read from.
I placed the cat in her final resting spot-- the spot my soul danced around a fire on Thursday nights. Under the moon, under the stars, and under the trees.
Before I headed back to the main black top road, I took my blood stained dress off.
My bra clinched my breasts as I felt the night breeze touch my body.
I covered the cat with my dress.
After what felt like hours, I found the black top road again.
I stepped off the sidewalk and unto the road.
There I was.
No direction, no hope, full of fears.
I made my way down to the ground. I rested my head on the gritty road.
My bloody arms stretched out reaching for life.
I wanted to lay there all night.
I just wanted to feel closer to the earth.
I just wanted to feel.
It had been 48 days since I last spoke to God.
And I had nothing to say now.
The night was still.
My heart was still.

Looking back now, I have found my way home.
My heart is still. My mind is still. I am still.
Maybe she was right, maybe my the cards were right.
I have everything I want in life.
Maybe I have a few scars.
Maybe I don't.





 

Sunday, May 25, 2014

The Truth About it All

Many people want to hear about a happy ending. They want to hear that my story has hope and a bright way out. It didn't really happen that way. My coming out story was none of those things. Maybe some people are glad, maybe some people would rather not hear the truth about it all... but here it is:

I always knew... yeah like most people will tell you-- over time it became more noticeable. I hadn't planned on acting on my feelings. I was mostly numb by fear... but then there she was.
I can not say that enough; there she was. I opened my eyes and my heart followed. She was perfect. And my heart knew it. I ran-- no, more like jumped into a free falling wonderland.

A few months went by before walls started falling... in other words, people started to take notice of our new found gaze for one another. My sister was one of the first-- which I guess shouldn't have come as a surprise. We had always been very close, of course she would notice that certain "pop" in ones eye when they have been bitten by the love bug. My sister and I no longer have a relationship.
Sometimes I like to think we have just been overly busy and lost contact. But the truth is, she could not look past the fact my life partner is a female. I will always love my sister and I will always miss her.

Naturally once my sister found out, my mother found out as well. This has been and still is a work in progress. A month after the "big news" broke out, I moved out of my parents house and into a home with my partner. No one wants to live with the feeling that you are walking on egg shells, so we chose not to.

Just recently I sat my father down and told him his daughter was dating a woman and very much in love. I was ready for him to yell, throw things, and disown me like my sister. I have never had a great relationship with my father so the fear I had was heart pounding. He did none of those things. He hugged me and told me he loved me.
When I was a little girl, I actually thought my father could pick up trees and move them. Like I mean, I really thought this could take place. He was my hero. As I started to grow up, my views on my father slowly began to change. Long story short, he wasn't my favorite person. But four years later, sitting on the couch with my father in the house I grew up in, telling him I was "different", with his arms around me, In this moment, he was my hero.

Allowing people to know the "real" you is not an easy thing to do. People can be so fast to place judgment and give ugly looks and ugly words. Through this progress of "growing", as I like to say, my heart, my mind, my relationship, and my self-worth have been put to the test. But I'll let you in on a little secret; even the deepest cuts will heal.

So this is the truth about it all.  And guess what... I am happy.

Tuesday, April 8, 2014

Carrying Us

To sea we go...
Our love carrying us away
Magic running through our vines
Lust wondering calmly 
Hands touching wildly 

To the clouds we go...
Making love only for us
Rushing vines, burning blood
Touch my soul
Craze my mind
Torture my body
Have me whole 


Saturday, March 15, 2014

My love letter

I Want To Let You Know I'm Proud Of You
I Need To Let You Know That I Admire What You Do
My Life Would Be Purposeless Without You
If I Want It, You Give It
When I Ask You, You Provide It
You Inspire Me To Be Better
You Challenge Me For The Better
Sit Back And Let Me Pour Out My Love To You

Let Me Help You With Everything I Have
I'll Take Off Your Shoes, Untie Your Shoestrings
Let Me Feed You
Let Me Run Your Bathwater With Bubbles Beyond Bubbles
Whatever You Desire
Sing You A Song, Put Something Sexy On
I'm Yours I Want To Cater To Your Needs

I'll Do Anything For My Person
Everyday You Blow Me Away
Inspire Me From The Heart,
Nothing Can Tear Us Apart
You're All I Want In A Partner
I Put My Life In Your Hands

Let Me Hold You In My Arms
I Just Want To Take The Stress Away From You
If You Want It, I'll Get It
I'm Going To Fulfill Your Mind, Body, And Spirit

I Promise You, All I Want To Do Is Love You
I Want To Give You My Breath, My Strength, My Will To Be Here
That's The Least I Can Do
Through The Good, The Bad
The Ups And The Downs
I'll Still Be Here For You
Because You're Beautiful
I Love The Way You Are
Your Wish Is My Command

Your Heart
My Only Desire
So Much Of Me Is You

I Love You


Monday, January 6, 2014

Story One

My eyes floated back and forth as I watched; back and forth.
She was perfection.
Deep dark eyes staring right through me like no one ever had.
Grace flowed off her body like dancers performing for their closing number.
Darkness covered her... light slowly began to shine through as I fell a little deeper.
She was helpless and so was I. 

We held hands as we walked through the park. Me, smoking my favorite brand of cigarettes and she, lost in thought. "What in the world could we possibly give one another", I thought to myself.
Little did I know, it would take me less than a month to discover the answer to my question.

I put the gun in my hand, yes I did. 

But I knew a secret the others did not...


It would all be worth it.