Tuesday, December 10, 2013

China Doll

"Everything I want I have
I even think I found God
I can be your china doll
If you wanna see me fall
Your love is deadly
They all think I have it all
I've nothing without you
All my dreams and all the lights mean
Nothing without you
Gold and silver line my heart
But burned into to my brain all these stolen images
I planned on living on the dark side of the American dream
I don't want to see all the things I've seen
They sing, "She's dying, she's dying"
That's the little story of the girl you know"

It was that moment I awoke from a dead sleep. Sweat covering my body, my breathing out of sync. It had been a week straight... a whole week of nightmares. My mind was racing and as my eyes were searching for some kind of comfort. 
As the nights carried on, my nightmares were becoming more and more disturbing. What were they trying to tell me? What clue was I not catching? 
My heart could not feel more heavy as I close my eyes and count to five (an old trick a doctor had exposed me to, "Close your eyes, breathe as you count to five, when you open your eyes, your fear will be vanished"). It worked when I was little, but now? As I opened my eyes, I could still feel fear all around me. 
All I wanted to be was a dreamer.

"You've always had the power my dear, you just had to learn it for yourself"-- Glinda, The Wizard of Oz

"When you love someone... truly love them, you lay your heart open to them. You give them a part of yourself that you give to no one else, and you let them inside a part of you that only they can hurt- you literally hand them the razor with a map of where to cut deepest and most painfully on your heart and soul"--  Sherrilyn Kenyon

What beautiful words... sick beautiful words.

"The scars that trace my body are reminders of the fights with the faceless demon inside my head, that turned out the lights" - Unknown

I love unmade beds. I love spilled coffee. I love when people are drunk and crying and cannot be anything but honest in that moment. I love the look in people's eyes when they realize they're in love. I love the way people look when they first wake up and they've forgotten their surroundings. I love the gasp people take when their favorite character dies. I love when people close their eyes and drift to somewhere in the clouds. I love the hurt on people's face when they break their lover's heart. I fall in love with people and their honest moments all the time. I fall in love with their breakdowns and their dreams. 

My heart beats
My heart beats 
Beating... it beats 

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