Tuesday, April 23, 2013

Day one of weekly updates

In efforts to get in shape for a role I have in a film (filming the May, ommmmgggg) I thought I would stay better on track if I recorded my daily hell (I love chocolate... this is going to kill me). So here it goes-- this may not be everyone's cup of tea, so you can stop reading now because it's about to get... what's the word... I guess, all about food and working out. *Ugh, I want to die just thinking about it*
Weekly posts are to follow. This is week one. I am starting on a Tuesday because I cheated Monday. HA.

April 23, Tuesday:

So, today is day one. How many days will this hell last, you ask? I have no idea... it started because I need to get in shape for a role but now I am thinking that maybe it needs to be more of a continuous thing-- a lifestyle change, even. For those of  you who know me well, you know I would take chocolate and candy over any meal... any day. So, this "lifestyle change" might be hard as hell for me. But... I do like a challenge, so let's go.
Breakfast started out with the highest hopes. I wanted to start easy and frankly I am not a morning person so I wasn't even about to cook (sorry future hubby). I went to my freezer and looked at the options... bored with what I found, I chose a Special K Breakfast Sandwich... thing. *Inserting real title here--Special K Egg with vegetables & pepper jack cheese Flat Bread Breakfast Sandwich* The sandwich concoction only takes a minute and 15 seconds to make in the microwave (my kind of breakfast) and it is actually pretty good. I followed the BS (Breakfast Sandwich) with a side of strawberries and a nice warm cup of friendly coffee (my one and only lover). I finished the BS and went on to the strawberries with excitement...as they were lightly dusted with sugar and ready for my taste buds. I was sadly disappointed when I found a little worm in the first strawberry. This killed the entire side of strawberries for me. They were not consumed. So breakfast, a Breakfast Sandwich thing and a cup of coffee.
Today was a lazy lunch, as I am at work most days so lunch is picked in the morning (Lazy, tired, not a morning person.. this all does tend to affect lunch choices). So this morning I decided a Tv Dinner Pizza would be fine *Inserting real title here-- Smart Ones Thin Crust Pepperoni Pizza* No, I am not on Weight Watchers. I just happen to really like their Tv dinners-- have for years. And they are healthy and easy, so that's a plus. A break down of today's lunch: Pizza, some healthy granola bar I found in our Workroom (sorry coworkers), fruit snacks (80 cal), and aqua.
I attended job one from 8:30-5:00 and then hushed over to job number two until 9:30pm. When I work both jobs in the same day, dinner suffers. I usually just grab something easy whenever I walk in from Satan's Lair, Oh I'm sorry, I mean my job. Dinner was a cup of olives. I kid you not. I'm choosing sleep over food.
While at my second job, I did have a snack. I was able to find another one of those granola bars from earlier (Sorry again coworkers) and another pack of fruit snacks. 
As for exercise, I went for a walk. Gym time starts next week. 
Day one down... and so many more to go. I guess the word for today was, "Easy". Good night.

Monday, April 22, 2013

Hand Cuffs

If I were to tell you I knew it would turn out this way, I would not be telling you the truth. I have no idea how I became consumed with the idea of freedom. To not be caged by anyone or anything is the most beautiful thing in the world to me. I guard my heart and soul from the people in my life: my parents, my sister, my friends, the men that are brave enough to try--I give them nothing, they all leave with nothing. When did I become so terrified of being in a cage, that I had basically slammed and locked the cage door?
Maybe we are only allowed a certain amount of closeness to people and once you use them up, that's it.
Maybe I wasn't born to be a daughter, belonging to no one.
Maybe I wasn't built to be a sister, belonging to no one.
Maybe I was meant to be the other woman, belonging to no one. Maybe I feel safe in my self contained cage.
Maybe I like the fact I put myself in and no one else did.
Every night I prayed that I would find my people. I wished on shooting stars that I would wake from my dreams.
I counted crosses. I counted stars.

Monday, April 8, 2013

Gods and Monsters

"All I ever wanted when I was a little girl, was to be happy.
I spent 17 years of my life chasing it, only to find, it wasn't in my blood.
A tiny pill coats what I'm missing... although the misconception will always remain the same."

I had an extremely unsettling dream the other night; I was being dragged by my hair into a hospital. My mother was screaming to the doctor that I was crazy and she begged him to fix me.
I had never felt more out of control.. I felt as if I really were crazy.
When I woke from my nightmare, I immediately reached for me heart as my eyes scanned my arms for evidence of needles or any other medical doings. Finding nothing, I fell back into my bed with a huge sign of relief. My plans were to fall back into a heavy slumber but just as a closed my eyes, visions of the hospital came racing back to life. Being the person that I am... I got out my tarot cards and journal and decided that this dream must have meaning.
Six months ago, a witch read my palm and she spoke of a tragedy my family would go through but I would be much to crazy to understand what was going on. Hearing her say this terrified me... although the witch rejoiced as if this was a good thing. The witch went on to say that I could not avoid it because it ran through my blood; the scary thing... she was right.
I had never forgotten this witch's promise and my nightmare made my feel as if it were my future. My cards gave me nothing but I could not shake the feeling of horror I felt.