Thursday, February 21, 2013

How free are you?

I was in the prime of my life- and the men I met along the way were my only freedom. At night I fell sleep with vision of myself dancing and laughing and crying with them.
Three years down the line of being on an endless world tour and memories of them were the only things that sustained me, and my only real happy times. I was an actor, not very popular one, who once has dreams of becoming a beautiful poet- but upon an unfortunate series of events saw those dreams dashed and divided like million stars in the night sky that I wished on over and over again- sparkling and broken. But I really didn’t mind because I knew that it takes getting everything you ever wanted and then losing it to know what true freedom is.
When the people I used to know found out what I had been doing, how I had been living- they asked me why. But there’s no use in talking to people who have a home, they have no idea what its like to seek safety in other people, for home to be wherever you lied you head.
I was always an unusual girl, my mother told me that I had a chameleon soul. No moral compass pointing me due north, no fixed personality. Just an inner indecisiviness that was as wide as wavering as the ocean. And if I said that I didn’t plan for it to turn out this way I’d be lying- because I was born to be the other woman. I belonged to no one- who belonged to everyone, who had nothing- who wanted everything with a fire for every experience and an obssesion for freedom that terrified me to the point that I couldn’t even talk about- and pushed me to a nomadic point of madness that both dazzlez and dizzied me.
Every night I used to pray that I’d find myself- and finally I did. We have nothing to lose, nothing to gain, nothing we desired anymore- except to make our lives into a work of art.
I belive in the person I want to become, I believe in the freedom of fear. And my motto is the same as ever- I believe in the kindness of strangers. And when I’m at war with myself.
Who are you? Are you in touch with all your darkest fantasies?
Have you created a life for yourself where you’re free to experience them?
I Have.
I Am Crazy. But I Am Free.

Monday, February 18, 2013

All these lovers

All these lovers

"Somehow, some way...I'm going to figure it out. It may not be how I think its going to be...but I'm going to make it in this world. I'll find purpose, I'll fall in love, I'll find peace, my soul will levitate at the sound of sweet musical artistry, I will enjoy carbohydrates as a rare jem, I will thank God for beauty in things around me that are taken for granted, and I will learn to love passionately." - Found on the wall of a bathroom stall.

Thursday, February 14, 2013

It's done

Clearing things out can hurt like hell. Friendships end and hearts are broken. After the war, there is always blood to mop up. Pictures to delete, items to trash, and blogs to unfollow. Unfortunately, you can never eliminate the memories. A song comes on, the one you blasted all the way to Texas to see your favorite artist in concert, or the saying the two of you shared.. and only you understood. When having a person you are so close with leave your life, it's hard to deal. Even when they are gone, they are still there. They teach you things, things you didn't realize you wanted to learn. Studies show, that you become like the five people you spend the most time with. Well, what happens once you have changed yourself and adapted into them.. and poof, gone? Nothing. Over. Done. Forgiveness comes in so many forms.. but ending a battle of friendship and love should not be one of them. People hurt you, yes.. if they mean to or not, they hurt you. Open your heart and forgive.

It's done and I am now a better person from the experience. My heart was broken and a friendship murdered but I made it out alive. I refuse to lose myself again or adapt into another person (Studies can kiss my ass). After all is said and done, my horoscope gave me something: about a week ago, my horoscope spoke of a person that would come into my life as a friend and give me life and power more than I could believe. I would have more love than I could handle. What a beautiful thought. I live for friendships that shake the ground we walk on.. and I pushed for it before.. not receiving fairness and open love in return. I can not wait for the day that I can say.. out loud.. "Now my life is sweet like cinnamon".

I did not delete the pictures, trashed only a few items, and the post has been published (or it will be in a few). It's done. Freeeeee and gone.

P.S.. Happy Valentines Day

Monday, February 11, 2013

There he was my love

Remember how we used to party up all night
Sneaking out and looking for a taste of real life
There he was my love
High heels in my hands, swaying in the wind
We all look for heaven and we put our love first
We don't stick together because we put our love first
Don't cry about him, don't cry about him
It's all gonna happen
And that's where the beginning of the end begun
Everybody knew that we had too much fun
I was skipping school and he was drinkin' on the job
Table dancing at the local bar
Screaming, "Get us while we're hot. Get us while we're hot."
The bravest in crowd that you had ever seen
And you know something?
We got into trouble and when stuff got bad
Crying because we knew we were never coming back.
Darling, darling, doesn't have a problem
Lying to himself because his liquor's top shelf
It's alarming honestly how charming he can be
Fooling everyone; Lying, he's lying
The boys, the girls, they all like him
He gives them butterflies, bats his dark cold eyes
Baby, baby staying up til morning
It's alarming truly how disarming he can be
Looking for fun, getting high for free
He says, "Put your red dress on, put your lipstick on"
And you're alive again
He loved me with every beat of his alcohol filled heart
White bikini off with my red nail polish
Light of my life, fire of my loins
Give me them gold coins, gimme them coins
Chasing him all over town
Because we all know he's wasted
He's screaming. "Because I'm crazy, baby I need you to come here and save me"
He's got a soul as sweet as blood red jam
And he shows me, he knows me
Every inch of my tar black soul
Slipping on my red dress, putting on my makeup
Fumes, says it feels like heaven to him
Leather on my waist is tight and I am falling down
I can see your face is shameless,
Love you but I'm going down
God I'm so crazy, baby, I'm sorry that I'm misbehaving
Sorry about it
You're lying with your gold chain on, cigarette hanging from his lips
There he was my love... but never again.

Update- The high life

It's been a while since I have written an update so let's do it.
Where should we start? Ah acting.. that's an easy one.. it'skickingmyass. The horrible thing about being in the industry, one minute you're on, the next you're off. Right now, I'm off. Hopefully, maybe, fingers crossed, next month will be different.
What's next? Weeerk. Since my acting career is pretty dry at the moment, I have had to find that wonderful green paper elsewhere. By day: Sweet Innocent Receptionist. By night: Pissy Host at LoneStar. SometimesIthinkbeingahookerwouldbeeasier. Sorry I'm not sorry. I would really just like to be CatWoman.. but you know, leather is not always the best look-- meeooow!
On a really high note: I GET TO SEE MY SISTER THIS WEEKEND. Taking a road trip down to Dallas, Texas to watch her play softball (college, yes. gay, no. Straightpeopleplayballtoo). I usually get to see her about twice a year.. BUT she is graduating this semester.. and will be home for good! Well, that is of course if she doesn't get a job offer in the holy hell land of Oklahoma. Bleh.

Tuesday, February 5, 2013

Quote That

A few quotes that have been extremely relevant to my life lately. They have inspired me.

"Let no man pull you low enough to hate him." - Martin Lurther King

"Expectation is the root of all heartache"- William Shakespeare

"Monsters are real, ghost are real too. They live inside us, and sometimes, they win."- Stephen King

"My heart is a thousand years old. I am not like other people."- Charles Bukowski

"New beginnings are often disguised as painful endings."- Lao Tzu

"Sometimes I'm terrified of my heart; of it's constant hunger for whatever it is it wants. The way it stops and starts."- Edgar Allan Poe

"Pour yourself a drink, put on some lipstick, and pull yourself together."- Liz Taylor

Friday, February 1, 2013

Writing is bleeding

I went back and read all of my posts on this blog.. and I noticed that my more recent posts have not been positive with a side of my usual dry humor (only when writing). I was strangely bothered by this. I have private journals, the good ole pen and notebook kind of journal. Over the years I have collected a mountain... you can now find these tucked away high on my closet shelf. Once I finish a "private journal", it gets thrown in the stack with the forgotten mountain and all their friends. I try not to read back through them.. they are ugly, dark, and full of things no one person should revisit.
I had not realized that my recent posts of my blog were starting to act as if they were wanting to jump right into the pages of my "private journal". Now, mind you.. those post.. the ones found in my "private journal" are nothing, and I mean nothing close to what you find on my blog. But I still saw it running in that direction. After starting my blog, I have become less private. I have been running less to my "private journals" and started throwing my thoughts and feelings out for all of you to see.
Being vulnerable is a huge key to acting; pulling yourself out for all to see. I live, breathe, walk, talk... acting. Am I being vulnerable out of habit or practice?