Wednesday, December 11, 2013

Ice shatters

My heart is heavy as I look for my place in this world.
I haven't a clue where I left my mind. 
I haven't a clue at all. 

Over the rainbow we go, off to Neverland we soar. 
My heart rings empty as I lay my head down for bed.  
What will the stars bring tonight?
How will the moon guide me next?

What ever happened to faith? And why did I ever stop believing? 

My eyes see nothing 
My faith was shattered 

Walk the thin line, break the camel's back.
Beg for me. Let me have that sparkle your eye so desires. Can I just be enough? 

Circling my mind, I feel frozen. 
I feel frozen in every way; my heart... My ability to breathe... Everything... Frozen. 

Tuesday, December 10, 2013

China Doll

"Everything I want I have
I even think I found God
I can be your china doll
If you wanna see me fall
Your love is deadly
They all think I have it all
I've nothing without you
All my dreams and all the lights mean
Nothing without you
Gold and silver line my heart
But burned into to my brain all these stolen images
I planned on living on the dark side of the American dream
I don't want to see all the things I've seen
They sing, "She's dying, she's dying"
That's the little story of the girl you know"

It was that moment I awoke from a dead sleep. Sweat covering my body, my breathing out of sync. It had been a week straight... a whole week of nightmares. My mind was racing and as my eyes were searching for some kind of comfort. 
As the nights carried on, my nightmares were becoming more and more disturbing. What were they trying to tell me? What clue was I not catching? 
My heart could not feel more heavy as I close my eyes and count to five (an old trick a doctor had exposed me to, "Close your eyes, breathe as you count to five, when you open your eyes, your fear will be vanished"). It worked when I was little, but now? As I opened my eyes, I could still feel fear all around me. 
All I wanted to be was a dreamer.

"You've always had the power my dear, you just had to learn it for yourself"-- Glinda, The Wizard of Oz

"When you love someone... truly love them, you lay your heart open to them. You give them a part of yourself that you give to no one else, and you let them inside a part of you that only they can hurt- you literally hand them the razor with a map of where to cut deepest and most painfully on your heart and soul"--  Sherrilyn Kenyon

What beautiful words... sick beautiful words.

"The scars that trace my body are reminders of the fights with the faceless demon inside my head, that turned out the lights" - Unknown

I love unmade beds. I love spilled coffee. I love when people are drunk and crying and cannot be anything but honest in that moment. I love the look in people's eyes when they realize they're in love. I love the way people look when they first wake up and they've forgotten their surroundings. I love the gasp people take when their favorite character dies. I love when people close their eyes and drift to somewhere in the clouds. I love the hurt on people's face when they break their lover's heart. I fall in love with people and their honest moments all the time. I fall in love with their breakdowns and their dreams. 

My heart beats
My heart beats 
Beating... it beats 

Friday, December 6, 2013

World Ignite

I've fallen somehow, lost my head
Love is the cloud , that keeps raining down
Where are you now when I need you around
We made a mess of what once was love.
You wait for a silence, I wait for a word
You change your position and you are changing me
Casting these shadows where they shouldn't be
Why don't you be the writer
And decide the words I say
Because I'd rather pretend
I'll still be there at the end
Only it's too hard to ask
Won't you try to help me
You must have missed it, you always do
Could have given me something
You left me kneeling
I was one of those people
For what it's worth
You were my backbone when
My blood drained without mercy
Just as the dark was rising
You closed the door again
The truth that dealt the consequence
I know I'm gonna weep my heart out
You know I'm gonna try much harder
But it isn't the items in my head
Pulling me under this time
Now the smoke has cleared
And the end is near
It was my illusion
I feel like I am seeing again
I feel like I am breathing again
Like painkiller I take it
And I watch the world ignite




Wednesday, December 4, 2013

Soul of Mine

I looked away as you looked back at me
"If I had my way, I'd never get over you" 
My heart turns with your sickness
After every hit you take; with every feeling I get. 

Oh my oh my my my
Your blood is on the wall 
Your blood is on the wall 
Cry to me, let it sing 
Where do you go 
Where do you go to leave me 
If it were my world, I would run through rivers
I would climb the clouds 
I would never look back 

I need to know I can still make explosions

My pen slipped out of my hand and onto the floor as my heart sank deeper into my lungs.
My eyes blinked fast, hoping to erase what my ears could confirm. 
My heart was going to break. As simple as that.
I'll never understand why 
Nor do I want to know. 

I could smile, I could laugh, I could love as deeply as possible... It still would not matter. 

I had the heart of a crow my father always said. Never to love, never to be loved. 
What silly people, what silly lovers

Oh this soul of mine
Oh this heart of mine
Oh this love of mine 

Thursday, November 21, 2013

Dreamers Love Deeper

Inch by inch I watched them fall
Craving a love they never would find 
Walking in circles, tripping over roots 

Our lips meet, our hands touch places unknown to others. We are lost in a jungle gym of lust.
We are one. We are hungry. We are dreamers.

Running a maze in the bitter cold winter 
Tracing skin with my finger tips 
Fighting for a simple touch 

My eyes follow my hands as my dress hits the floor. My hands reach for support as my legs begin to tremble. My legs find the bed as my arms grasp for air. 

They crash into the water 
The highest risk; the highest jump
A safety net can not be found 

Our arms intertwine as I fall deeper and deeper in love. We touch as lovers do; without any regret.
My heart beats in front of me as I leave my blood on the table.

Your eyes are all I see
Your heart is all I feel
Your smell is all I breathe
Your love is all I need 

Tuesday, November 19, 2013

The Wolf's Remains

As I was walking through a clouded forest, a wolf passed in front of my steps. The wolf froze just as I did. Our eyes locked and in that very moment in time, I felt warmth. The wolf slowly started to walk away; our eyes still in sync. I could feel the air through my fingers and I could feel something beating in my lungs. It was a rush, it was a high.
After the wolf had left me standing for hours, hours being lost in thought, I carried myself to the nearest tree and slid down unto the damp earthy ground. My aching back leaning against the tree, I raised my head back and closed my eyes. My mind raced with images of what my life once was. A life I now barely knew.
Footsteps cracking crisp fall leaves awakened my eyes as I knew something was crawling it's way over to me. Rays of heat approaching closer, I clinched my arms around my legs in hope of freedom.
A stillness had filled the air and silence rang my ears. The wolf had returned.

I ripped the wolf's heart out... veins running down my arm, blood soaking my finger nails.
My eyes grew wide as the heart took it's last beat in my shaking hands. The heart was still as was my breathing. I closed my eyes and squeezed the heart until it was mush. I leaned down into the wolf's remains and whispered, "I will protect you. I will hold your heart forever".
I felt the heart slipping between my fingers. It was now cold and lifeless. Slicing the heart into pieces with my cat like nails, I began to eat it. Drinking in the juices I could feel my heart race.
I had done the impossible
I had found love
I could hold their heart

Tuesday, November 5, 2013

Bump in the night

"Sleep is not, death is not;
Who seem to die, live.
House you were born in,
Friends of your spring- time,
Old man and young maid,
Day's toil and it's guerdon,
They are all vanishing,
Fleeing to fables,
Cannot be moored." -- Ralph Waldo Emerson

This love will be our down fall.
This love will be the devil.

Coming to fall 
Coming for love 
Slipping down for the fall 
Slipping down for the break 

Late late late 

Tuesday, October 29, 2013

Hello Heaven

Hello Heaven
These are torn lines

I ran circles crying screaming
It takes getting everything you've ever wanted

They told me a had a fixed soul
I would burn if I didn't change my heart

He walked the road to my hands
Sin sin everywhere

We are sitting on ruin
Racing through Oz

Wonderland and sunny days
Heart crys

Your heart
Your heart

"You're breaking... heart you're breaking"
"Heart? Where do you run?"

Hello Heaven
Hello Hell
Hello Heaven

You're heart was poor
You're heart was falling
You're heart was poor

Wednesday, October 9, 2013

Ever Thine

Sipping coffee listening to my favorite music, watching people... gaining writing material, I was content. Not happy, but not sad. I could get by on this high.

"When you love someone... truly love them, you lay your heart open to them. You give them apart of yourself that you give to no one else, and you let them inside a part of you that only they can hurt- you literally hand them the razor with a map of where to cut the deepest and most painfully on your heart and soul." - Sherrilyn Kenyon

I walked into the dark room and looked around for a soul full of love. I never found it. And I finally gave up looking for something that could not be found.

"Your most effective ministry will come out of your deepest hurts." Unknown

Over the past few years, I have grown as a person... some may pity me... some may envy me. I have yet to make up my mind if they are right or if they are wrong.

"Ever thine. Ever mine. Ever ours." - Beethoven

They say you find love when you least expect it. They failed to mention you could be carving ice away from your heart when you find it... or when it finds you.

"Monsters are real, ghost are real too. They live inside us, and sometimes, they win."- Stephen King

I am a monster and I have a ghost that haunts my soul. Every night they come out to play games in my closet. Never shy to ask for more. Never sorry when they leave by sunrise.

"It's a risk to love. What if it doesn't work out?
Ah, but what if is does?" - Peter McWilliams

Wish I may, wish I might, find my one true love tonight.
Do you think that it could be you?

Thursday, October 3, 2013

Spell it

After two days of full hibernation, I went out shopping; cigarettes and booze—naturally.  

My father was suicide and my mother was money… and I was crazy.

I was becoming a hippie… free spirit, if you will.  I was never meant to walk the line, so they glued me to it.

I danced circles around the fire. I was high and I was happy. “It’s the carelessness of running away”, he laughed. What the hell did he know? I wasn’t running away. I was running towards something... freedom. But freedom isn’t really free, is it?

“I can’t sleep in silence”, I whispered.

“We forget who we are when we are looking for someone else”, He said.

I listen to them to tell me how to quit. Tied to a night we never might.

All these people… drinking lovers spit.

It will take some time to get over it.

All these people… happy and racing; racing hearts; chasing magic

It doesn’t flow and it doesn’t hurt

I like to all that way.

Wednesday, August 28, 2013


He took another drag from his cigarette as I watched his perfect jawbone tense with frustration. The same jawbone that turned me on -- had me slipping out of my favorite sundress... just two months ago.

"Where does the love go?", he asked.
"I haven't a clue.", I replied.
We kissed slowly, for it would be the last. The taste of nicotine on his breath. I pulled at his collar -- the pain of letting go -- my heart sank.

What a devil, I thought.

Sunny day in August
fresh coffee for my addition
the hint of alcohol just a few hours away.

I smiled as he sang my name. Sweet voice that never seemed to match his hardcore persona.

Dangerous; my attraction

Several single minutes before we would be leaving... in opposite directions.
His cold eyes seeing right through me.
His warm smile piercing me one last time.

He liked my tiny red dress.
I liked his lustful touch.
The first month was a haze... drunk for the rest. We'll both need rehabilitation.

"I just wanna have fun", I swore.
"I'll play you like a gameboy", he promised.
"I don't want one", I laughed.
I swayed back and forth. His hands on my hips. "Something about him", I remember thinking.
How easy things were a year ago.

12 months later, sitting across my drug, I could only see moving on-- stripped clean.
"I'm just glad we got out alive", he laughed.
"Me too", I whispered.

I raced my ass to the bar. Inhaling whiskey, as women do. Chasing the urge to forget my name, a hundred dollar bill was placed on the bar next to my hand. His name was Travis. He had nothing I wanted and everything I needed. I let him buy me drink after drink.... while trying to forget my name I managed to misplace my fake id. I went home alone. I didn't leave Travis my number. After all, he probably thought I was an alcoholic.
As my "ex" would say, "all the best people are". But I think it's really the thrill of losing control, chasing the rush, letting your fantasies run wild.

That's just me


Wednesday, August 14, 2013

21 Something (21 and drunk)

I sat with my vintage watch (given by my mother), my vintage sunglasses (thrifted for a $1), my favorite vintage blouse (thrifted for $3.49), and my hair on top of my head in a messy bun (garbage can hair? Priceless). I booked my flight. A present to myself for my 21st birthday (Nov. 11th). In a few short months I will be having my 1st (legal) drink on a 4.5 hour flight to Los Angeles. I will drink a glass of champagne and take a photo for Intagram saying something like "This is 21?" with my tongue out of course (my signature pose). I will sit sipping my over priced glass of toxic allowing everyone to think I am one of those little rich girls with daddy's pocket book. I will spend my 21st birthday... my first legal drink... alone on a flight to the city of dreams (broken dreams). But this is the life I signed up for. I agreed to it all when I signed on the dotted line. My agent smiling as if I had signed away my life to the devil. And I guess that's just what I did. Los Angeles here I come. 21, drunk, and alone. This is what every actor wants. Right?

Monday, July 15, 2013

"You like your girls insane"

She smoked cigarette after cigarette-- she hated waiting on him. In her black tight fitted dress, they stared. Wishing for one chance with her... to show her how to be treated like a woman. Her head in the clouds and nothing more than a care in the world. She dreamed in color and he prayed to hell. His words left her feeling free... weightless.
With the burning desire for each other... they lived for nothing else.
Dancing on bar tables every night, she wouldn't give it up.
"Keep making me laugh. Let's go get high. Take a walk on the wild say. " He said.
"I'm already there." Was her simple reply. She gave a  smile, "You like your girls insane."
She left him wanting more, "Don't make me sad, love is never enough and I don't know why."
"I love you with every beat of my cocaine heart." He whispered.
"I'm crazy baby... I need you to come save me." She laughed.
Drinking and driving. Learning and loving.

True or false? I'll never tell.

Saturday, July 13, 2013

Mr. Suave

I didn't notice a wedding band and frankly I couldn't care less. He seemed to be in his late 20's or early
30's-- this I also could care less about. My eyes caught with a glance of his dark hair (a personal favorite) and his effortless smile. He wasn't charming and some how I was completely fine with that. His style was straight from a Dillards' catalog. I pictured him as a lawyer... something boring to equally match his style. Boring isn't fair-- more like, very "put together". Maybe by his well groomed Stepford Wife. Our departure was as smooth and quick as our "hello". With a graceful smile, we both went on about our day... and that was that. At least I thought it was-- about an hour after Mr. Suave left my life and I carried on with my to do list built in my over crowded brain, a quick moment... just like before. There he was. Walking past me like my favorite lustful fantasy. But something wasn't lustful about it at all. Mr. Suave gave his shy graceful smile I was learning to love and in that slow moving minute, he paused. He had been searching his pockets for his car keys, but in that frozen second, he did just that, he froze and our eyes locked once again.

After my evening coffee and wine shopping in Whole Foods, I thought about Mr. Suave and I began to think about all the other men in my life... and now to add to the list... Mr. Suave.

So the story begins like this, a meaningless glance meets a shy smile. A dash of faith, a pitch of desperation. And there you have it. Coffee for two. Maybe the story will only last for a turn of a page or maybe even a short paragraph filled with awkward pauses -- it's a start. And the story will move us on. So here we go.

Wednesday, July 3, 2013

Oh The Weekend

While thrifting this past weekend I found a copy of "Julie & Julia", a "said to be" wonderful novel/memoir that was turned into a motion picture staring Maryl Streep and Amy Adams a few years back (or a little more). Being a fan of the movie (own it and have watched it more than I would like to admit), of the same name, I thought, at .50 cents? Why the hell not? So I now own a copy of the novel that the wonderful movie was based off of.
At 131 pages in, I don't know if I'm a fan yet... but I never judge a book until the last sentence is read. So... okay, we'll see.

I had forgotten how much I truly enjoyed reading... these past few days have twisted right around to the old me-- staying up late lost in another world with no desire to leave.
The weather being so beautiful has only made it worse. I have been wanting to call in sick, forget auditions, and put off calling back my parents-- all to sit in the sun with a wonderful story (sunscreen of course; much too pale for that).

I haven't been writing, which saddens me. My novel now, is even further away from completion. I'm at peace with this though. I would rather write a quality story than throw something together.

I started looking into apartments in Los Angeles. This thought is utterly terrifying. The fear of moving to L.A. and being a small fish in a huge pond (referring to acting) rather than being a big fish in a small pond (Baton Rouge, New Orleans) is more than I would like to think about at the moment.
Everything happens for a reason. I shall allow the pieces to fall where they may.

As many of you know, I recently bought a car... all by myself .... paid in full (I worked so hard, so yes... it feels a little nice to brag ;D). When buying a car, you forget all the little things that come after you have actually purchased the vehicle. All those little things cost money... and yes, that sucks. I have never been so proud of myself and stressed in my life. The real world? Yea, it's everything my parents said it would be.
While shopping for the car of my dreams, I very much wanted to just cave and go get a loan... but sitting here today, I am very very happy I waited and was able to pay for the car in full. No car note is wonderful and I feel great not having to worry about that. Especially with all those "extra little things" right now screaming for my hard earned paper bills. Ah life.

Thursday, June 27, 2013

Fantasy for one

I always found myself lingering towards the fantasy of life. Even at a young age, I chose to live a lie rather than face the music. Who would choose differently?
I had a friend ask me Monday, "Do you think you will die alone?"... I laughed at first thinking he was only being dramatic.
I never answered but the question stuck in my head all afternoon. Having a mental ride down memory lane, I thought to myself that my track record wasn't looking so promising after all ... maybe I would die alone.
An ill pain came to my stomach when I realized I would be happier that way.
Maybe some of us just aren't meant for "his and her towels".
Now, before you write me off as the, Black as Night Ice Queen, just know, I have faith that every person in this world has a pair. I just don't believe I will make a very good pair.
My father made sure I would be the very best wife.. making sure my mother taught me how to cook and clean.. but he forgot to teach me how to feel. And thus the Ice Queen is born.

"I believe in the moon, the stars, and the sun... and so I am whole."

"I know nothing with any certainty, but the sight of stars makes me dream."
- Vincent van Gogh

"I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells. Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living."
- Dr. Seuss

Monday, June 3, 2013

I like it all that way

I watched him as he undressed her with his eyes. The flame in her heart was forgotten but the fire in his eyes remained real. He turned to me, his heartless soul riding on his sleeve, "Take some time and get use to it. We all need to grow up and do some shit", he whispered softly into my ear.
I was completely in love with the devil inside of him. But we were tied to a night we never met.
"All good things are wild and free."
"Freedom is a state of mind."
"Sometimes I'm terrified of my heart; of it's constant hunger for whatever it wants. The way it stops and starts."
- Edgar Allan Poe

Saturday, June 1, 2013

Blow Your Own Damn Mind

Lately, I have been spending my days searching for inspiration and sometimes I turn up lucky. I few quotes I ran across:

"Be like water... go with the flow, nourish yourself, and sometimes even roar."

"Oh sorry, I can't today; walking my unicorn."

"Once in a while, blow your own damn mind."

"It is a risk to love. What if it doesn't work out? Ah, but what if it does?"
- Peter McWilliams

I forget how simple it is for a few short words to make a difference.
Words are simply beautiful... that's all that it is. They can hold such power and control.
The power words can have over people is unbelievable.
Each word.. each sentence.. each quote, can mean a million different things to a million different people; it's magical, really.

"All these people drinking lover's spit
They sit around and clean their face with it
And they listen to teeth to learn how to quit
Tied to a night they never met
You know it's time
That we grow old and do some shit
I like it all that way
All these people drinking lover's spit
Swallowing words while giving head
They listen to teeth to learn how to quit
Better take some hand and get used to it
You know it's time
That we grow old and do some shit
I like it all that way"
- Broken Social Scene
Have a wonderful day and a magical night, my lovers.

Thursday, May 30, 2013


Today, I googled:
"How to become a spy?"
"Do whales talk to each other?"
Yes, I am completely serious. Yes, I'm aware of how sad this is.

Once I caught myself being really pathetic (as noted above) I decided to make a list of things about myself that I know to be true (so much better way to waste time, right?)

Okay, Let's start:

I am EXTREMELY clumsy. I will drop everything and trip over anything. If you stand too close to me, you put yourself in danger... I have a track recorded of accidentally hitting people or stepping on their feet, etc, etc. If I'm walking with a drink in my hand, half will end up on the floor. I run into walls, boxes, small rocks... anything. Shit happens

I suffer from uncontrollable laughter. I really can not tell you why but I laugh at everything... everything. After years of friends pointing it out... I will finally admit it... I am Annie Carson and I am a giggle box.

I ask a million questions. When I first meet someone new, I want to know everything there is to know about them. If I do not ask them personally, I ask someone else. I find people to be interesting... and I am very much a people watcher. Creepy? Yeah, call it like you see it.

And a few little clips from my wife:

"When the people I used to know found out what I had been doing, how I had been living- they asked me why. But there’s no use in talking to people who have a home, they have no idea what its like to seek safety in other people, for home to be wherever you lay your head."

"We have nothing to lose, nothing to gain, nothing we desired anymore- except to make our lives into a work of art."
"It takes getting everything you ever wanted and then losing it, to know what true freedom is."

"I once had a dreams of becoming a beautiful poet, but upon an unfortunate series of events some of those dreams dashed and divided like a million stars in the night sky that I wished on over and over again, sparkling and broken."

"I used to wonder if it was God's plan that I should be alone for so much of my life. But I found peace. I found happiness within people and the world."

"I've got a war in my mind."

- Lana Del Rey

Wednesday, May 29, 2013

Sleeping with Poe & The Magical World of Piercings

A thousand "items"in my life have fallen apart. And just as the pieces settle at the bottom, a hundred align
together to make something beautiful. And although my life is still a mess, I can't help but be grateful for the hundred small pieces working in my favor.

To all my friends who have known me to be a shitty friend, missing parties and "get togethers" lately, I do apologize.
Btw, Happy birthday to my ride or die. I love you to the moon and back. (Sorry I missed your party)

If you read my last blog post, you would know that I am working on writing my first novel. And you would also know that it is "loosely" based about my life thus far. With that said, I have been getting many questions about "calling people out", HA don't be silly, I would never use your real name. Drew becomes Andrew for example and so forth... almost off the hook, huh? ;)
My novel isn't about "calling people out", if you were a staple in my life, will you appear in the story? Yes. Although, the section of time you and I may or may not have spent together will be mixed with other tales and lies (fiction writing, and all) that it will be unrecognizable to anyone else the world... maybe other than you. The novel is a story... a fictional piece of literature that will involve pieces of truth from my life to add a little something to the foundation. Nothing more, nothing less.

I am adding an addition to my body. For those of you who know me well, you would know that I have zero piercings and zero tattoos. Well, that's about to change--
On Saturday, June 8th I will be getting this bad boy, the Helix aka The Siren.
One of my gypsy sisters will be joining me on the 8th in this magical world of piercing fun.. to hold my hand as I cry, scream, and act like a small child.
I understand that this may not be everyone's cup of tea... but it is my cup of coffee and I drink it black.
There will be a video posted of me actually getting the piercing (for my sister's enjoyment).

In other news, I have been sleeping with Poet, Edger Allen Poe and I think things are getting serious between us. Introduce him to parents? Nahhh, they wouldn't understand him.
A clip from my lover/boyfriend/manfriend *judge me*

"And all I loved, I loved alone".
"I became insane, with long intervals of horrible sanity".
- Edger Allen Poe

Thursday, May 23, 2013

Running Backwards

What was it like to love him? Asked Gratitude.
It was like being exhumed I answered. And brought back to life
in a flash of brilliance.
What was it like to be loved in return? Asked Joy.
It was like being seen after a perpetual darkness, I replied.
To be heard after a lifetime of silence.
What was it like to lose him? Asked Sorrow.
There was a long pause before I responded:
It was like hearing every goodbye ever said to me --- said all at once.
- Lang Leav

Your lips burned like cigarettes against my skin.
I traced the outline of your lips with mine.
You eyelashes fluttered against my cheeks.
Your hair was a mess and your smile was blinding
That's when I knew it was over. You had me.
And I was totally and completely in love with you.
- Anonymous

True love will triumph in the end - which may or may not be a lie
But if it is a lie, then it's the most beautiful lie we have.
- John Green

"I love unmade beds.
I love when people are drunk and crying and cannot be anything but honest in that moment.
I love the look in people's eyes when they realize they're in love.
I love the way people look when they first wake up and they've forgotten their surroundings.
I love the gasp people make when their favorite character dies.
I love when people close their eyes and drift to the clouds.
I fall in love with people and their honest moments all the time.
I fall in love with their breakdowns and their smeared make-up and their daydreams.
Honesty is just too beautiful to ever put into words."
- Author unknown

"At the center of your being you have the answer; you know who you are and you know what you want".
- Lao Tzu

Wednesday, May 22, 2013

The Tale of Loserville, Long Hair Don't Care, Am I An Actress, & Writing Books

I trace my mind for something to write...... nothing is thrown back to me. I have been working on writing a book so I'm guessing that's where all my "will to write" has gone.
Maybe an update?

My sister graduated from Oklahoma Wesleyan University with a degree in Business. Along with finishing college, she also completed her fourth year playing College Softball. 
A graduation party was held for her Sunday.
I rocked a vintage top and my "long hair don't care", to said party -----> 

I begin filming on my second film through Carson Productions on Saturday the 25th. This film, The Disorder, is about a young woman suffering from a multi-personality disorder. I play Maggie; Maggie is one of the three personalities Madison holds. This will be my first film to play the "Director". Nervous, excited, and always ready for more.

On the 30th and the 1st, I will be playing the lead role in a film called, The Vine. It's freaky scary and that's all I can really tell you about it.

Assuming you are reading this, leads me to believe you read the second sentence in this Blog post. Am I writing a book? The answer is yes. I am writing a book that is loosely based on my life. I use the word loosely, very loosely. Only about 5% of the book is my actual truth.
Due to the lack of free time I have, I write when I can. That means, I'm basically only on chapter five.
I am going through Amazon to publish my book and it will be available to you through Kindle-- Sorry Nook users. I decided to write I book because writing is something that I love... and I have a story that needs to be told (in my opinion). It will be a long while before the book is finished and published but I'm working on it. (Huge thank you to Nick for the tips and publishing suggestions).

So, this has been boring enough... Buuuuut, this is what's going on in the life.


Tuesday, April 23, 2013

Day one of weekly updates

In efforts to get in shape for a role I have in a film (filming the May, ommmmgggg) I thought I would stay better on track if I recorded my daily hell (I love chocolate... this is going to kill me). So here it goes-- this may not be everyone's cup of tea, so you can stop reading now because it's about to get... what's the word... I guess, all about food and working out. *Ugh, I want to die just thinking about it*
Weekly posts are to follow. This is week one. I am starting on a Tuesday because I cheated Monday. HA.

April 23, Tuesday:

So, today is day one. How many days will this hell last, you ask? I have no idea... it started because I need to get in shape for a role but now I am thinking that maybe it needs to be more of a continuous thing-- a lifestyle change, even. For those of  you who know me well, you know I would take chocolate and candy over any meal... any day. So, this "lifestyle change" might be hard as hell for me. But... I do like a challenge, so let's go.
Breakfast started out with the highest hopes. I wanted to start easy and frankly I am not a morning person so I wasn't even about to cook (sorry future hubby). I went to my freezer and looked at the options... bored with what I found, I chose a Special K Breakfast Sandwich... thing. *Inserting real title here--Special K Egg with vegetables & pepper jack cheese Flat Bread Breakfast Sandwich* The sandwich concoction only takes a minute and 15 seconds to make in the microwave (my kind of breakfast) and it is actually pretty good. I followed the BS (Breakfast Sandwich) with a side of strawberries and a nice warm cup of friendly coffee (my one and only lover). I finished the BS and went on to the strawberries with they were lightly dusted with sugar and ready for my taste buds. I was sadly disappointed when I found a little worm in the first strawberry. This killed the entire side of strawberries for me. They were not consumed. So breakfast, a Breakfast Sandwich thing and a cup of coffee.
Today was a lazy lunch, as I am at work most days so lunch is picked in the morning (Lazy, tired, not a morning person.. this all does tend to affect lunch choices). So this morning I decided a Tv Dinner Pizza would be fine *Inserting real title here-- Smart Ones Thin Crust Pepperoni Pizza* No, I am not on Weight Watchers. I just happen to really like their Tv dinners-- have for years. And they are healthy and easy, so that's a plus. A break down of today's lunch: Pizza, some healthy granola bar I found in our Workroom (sorry coworkers), fruit snacks (80 cal), and aqua.
I attended job one from 8:30-5:00 and then hushed over to job number two until 9:30pm. When I work both jobs in the same day, dinner suffers. I usually just grab something easy whenever I walk in from Satan's Lair, Oh I'm sorry, I mean my job. Dinner was a cup of olives. I kid you not. I'm choosing sleep over food.
While at my second job, I did have a snack. I was able to find another one of those granola bars from earlier (Sorry again coworkers) and another pack of fruit snacks. 
As for exercise, I went for a walk. Gym time starts next week. 
Day one down... and so many more to go. I guess the word for today was, "Easy". Good night.

Monday, April 22, 2013

Hand Cuffs

If I were to tell you I knew it would turn out this way, I would not be telling you the truth. I have no idea how I became consumed with the idea of freedom. To not be caged by anyone or anything is the most beautiful thing in the world to me. I guard my heart and soul from the people in my life: my parents, my sister, my friends, the men that are brave enough to try--I give them nothing, they all leave with nothing. When did I become so terrified of being in a cage, that I had basically slammed and locked the cage door?
Maybe we are only allowed a certain amount of closeness to people and once you use them up, that's it.
Maybe I wasn't born to be a daughter, belonging to no one.
Maybe I wasn't built to be a sister, belonging to no one.
Maybe I was meant to be the other woman, belonging to no one. Maybe I feel safe in my self contained cage.
Maybe I like the fact I put myself in and no one else did.
Every night I prayed that I would find my people. I wished on shooting stars that I would wake from my dreams.
I counted crosses. I counted stars.

Monday, April 8, 2013

Gods and Monsters

"All I ever wanted when I was a little girl, was to be happy.
I spent 17 years of my life chasing it, only to find, it wasn't in my blood.
A tiny pill coats what I'm missing... although the misconception will always remain the same."

I had an extremely unsettling dream the other night; I was being dragged by my hair into a hospital. My mother was screaming to the doctor that I was crazy and she begged him to fix me.
I had never felt more out of control.. I felt as if I really were crazy.
When I woke from my nightmare, I immediately reached for me heart as my eyes scanned my arms for evidence of needles or any other medical doings. Finding nothing, I fell back into my bed with a huge sign of relief. My plans were to fall back into a heavy slumber but just as a closed my eyes, visions of the hospital came racing back to life. Being the person that I am... I got out my tarot cards and journal and decided that this dream must have meaning.
Six months ago, a witch read my palm and she spoke of a tragedy my family would go through but I would be much to crazy to understand what was going on. Hearing her say this terrified me... although the witch rejoiced as if this was a good thing. The witch went on to say that I could not avoid it because it ran through my blood; the scary thing... she was right.
I had never forgotten this witch's promise and my nightmare made my feel as if it were my future. My cards gave me nothing but I could not shake the feeling of horror I felt.

Tuesday, March 19, 2013

The moon, my boyfriend

I am addicted to the moon. Everything about it speaks of desire.
The sky is black and the moon shines through. Even with stars, it stands alone. I close my eyes and throw my head back... I slowly swallow and take a breath. My focus is brought to the night sky and I let out a haunted howl. Again I howl, again. The echo carries for miles and I feel as if I am the only person on earth.
I can feel the full moon lust for me as I lust for it. I begin my nightly stroll into the woods as if I am hypnotized. Smoke is rising from the tree tops... the fire is lit. I am greeted by my gypsy sisters and as we are all hypnotized, we dance.
We flow in sequence; back and forth, back and forth. With my arms raised up, I howl to the moon as the others keep our heavenly rhythm. I am lost in the high and as I look around, we all are.
We are sisters.. bound together by the fire; For I am the moon and they are: The trees
              The grass
              The smoke
              The stars
The five of us dance as if we have nothing left to give; back and forth, back and forth. I close my eyes and feel the flames from the fire heat my face. Without hesitation I gather my hands into a ball and pray. Connecting with the earth like I had never before, made me feel thankful to the Lord for creating such a wonderful place.
I can feel the night grow longer as time is at a stand-still. My sisters and I form a circle around the fire and link hands. We stand swaying our bodies in unison as we free our minds.

Thursday, February 21, 2013

How free are you?

I was in the prime of my life- and the men I met along the way were my only freedom. At night I fell sleep with vision of myself dancing and laughing and crying with them.
Three years down the line of being on an endless world tour and memories of them were the only things that sustained me, and my only real happy times. I was an actor, not very popular one, who once has dreams of becoming a beautiful poet- but upon an unfortunate series of events saw those dreams dashed and divided like million stars in the night sky that I wished on over and over again- sparkling and broken. But I really didn’t mind because I knew that it takes getting everything you ever wanted and then losing it to know what true freedom is.
When the people I used to know found out what I had been doing, how I had been living- they asked me why. But there’s no use in talking to people who have a home, they have no idea what its like to seek safety in other people, for home to be wherever you lied you head.
I was always an unusual girl, my mother told me that I had a chameleon soul. No moral compass pointing me due north, no fixed personality. Just an inner indecisiviness that was as wide as wavering as the ocean. And if I said that I didn’t plan for it to turn out this way I’d be lying- because I was born to be the other woman. I belonged to no one- who belonged to everyone, who had nothing- who wanted everything with a fire for every experience and an obssesion for freedom that terrified me to the point that I couldn’t even talk about- and pushed me to a nomadic point of madness that both dazzlez and dizzied me.
Every night I used to pray that I’d find myself- and finally I did. We have nothing to lose, nothing to gain, nothing we desired anymore- except to make our lives into a work of art.
I belive in the person I want to become, I believe in the freedom of fear. And my motto is the same as ever- I believe in the kindness of strangers. And when I’m at war with myself.
Who are you? Are you in touch with all your darkest fantasies?
Have you created a life for yourself where you’re free to experience them?
I Have.
I Am Crazy. But I Am Free.

Monday, February 18, 2013

All these lovers

All these lovers

"Somehow, some way...I'm going to figure it out. It may not be how I think its going to be...but I'm going to make it in this world. I'll find purpose, I'll fall in love, I'll find peace, my soul will levitate at the sound of sweet musical artistry, I will enjoy carbohydrates as a rare jem, I will thank God for beauty in things around me that are taken for granted, and I will learn to love passionately." - Found on the wall of a bathroom stall.

Thursday, February 14, 2013

It's done

Clearing things out can hurt like hell. Friendships end and hearts are broken. After the war, there is always blood to mop up. Pictures to delete, items to trash, and blogs to unfollow. Unfortunately, you can never eliminate the memories. A song comes on, the one you blasted all the way to Texas to see your favorite artist in concert, or the saying the two of you shared.. and only you understood. When having a person you are so close with leave your life, it's hard to deal. Even when they are gone, they are still there. They teach you things, things you didn't realize you wanted to learn. Studies show, that you become like the five people you spend the most time with. Well, what happens once you have changed yourself and adapted into them.. and poof, gone? Nothing. Over. Done. Forgiveness comes in so many forms.. but ending a battle of friendship and love should not be one of them. People hurt you, yes.. if they mean to or not, they hurt you. Open your heart and forgive.

It's done and I am now a better person from the experience. My heart was broken and a friendship murdered but I made it out alive. I refuse to lose myself again or adapt into another person (Studies can kiss my ass). After all is said and done, my horoscope gave me something: about a week ago, my horoscope spoke of a person that would come into my life as a friend and give me life and power more than I could believe. I would have more love than I could handle. What a beautiful thought. I live for friendships that shake the ground we walk on.. and I pushed for it before.. not receiving fairness and open love in return. I can not wait for the day that I can say.. out loud.. "Now my life is sweet like cinnamon".

I did not delete the pictures, trashed only a few items, and the post has been published (or it will be in a few). It's done. Freeeeee and gone.

P.S.. Happy Valentines Day

Monday, February 11, 2013

There he was my love

Remember how we used to party up all night
Sneaking out and looking for a taste of real life
There he was my love
High heels in my hands, swaying in the wind
We all look for heaven and we put our love first
We don't stick together because we put our love first
Don't cry about him, don't cry about him
It's all gonna happen
And that's where the beginning of the end begun
Everybody knew that we had too much fun
I was skipping school and he was drinkin' on the job
Table dancing at the local bar
Screaming, "Get us while we're hot. Get us while we're hot."
The bravest in crowd that you had ever seen
And you know something?
We got into trouble and when stuff got bad
Crying because we knew we were never coming back.
Darling, darling, doesn't have a problem
Lying to himself because his liquor's top shelf
It's alarming honestly how charming he can be
Fooling everyone; Lying, he's lying
The boys, the girls, they all like him
He gives them butterflies, bats his dark cold eyes
Baby, baby staying up til morning
It's alarming truly how disarming he can be
Looking for fun, getting high for free
He says, "Put your red dress on, put your lipstick on"
And you're alive again
He loved me with every beat of his alcohol filled heart
White bikini off with my red nail polish
Light of my life, fire of my loins
Give me them gold coins, gimme them coins
Chasing him all over town
Because we all know he's wasted
He's screaming. "Because I'm crazy, baby I need you to come here and save me"
He's got a soul as sweet as blood red jam
And he shows me, he knows me
Every inch of my tar black soul
Slipping on my red dress, putting on my makeup
Fumes, says it feels like heaven to him
Leather on my waist is tight and I am falling down
I can see your face is shameless,
Love you but I'm going down
God I'm so crazy, baby, I'm sorry that I'm misbehaving
Sorry about it
You're lying with your gold chain on, cigarette hanging from his lips
There he was my love... but never again.

Update- The high life

It's been a while since I have written an update so let's do it.
Where should we start? Ah acting.. that's an easy one.. it'skickingmyass. The horrible thing about being in the industry, one minute you're on, the next you're off. Right now, I'm off. Hopefully, maybe, fingers crossed, next month will be different.
What's next? Weeerk. Since my acting career is pretty dry at the moment, I have had to find that wonderful green paper elsewhere. By day: Sweet Innocent Receptionist. By night: Pissy Host at LoneStar. SometimesIthinkbeingahookerwouldbeeasier. Sorry I'm not sorry. I would really just like to be CatWoman.. but you know, leather is not always the best look-- meeooow!
On a really high note: I GET TO SEE MY SISTER THIS WEEKEND. Taking a road trip down to Dallas, Texas to watch her play softball (college, yes. gay, no. Straightpeopleplayballtoo). I usually get to see her about twice a year.. BUT she is graduating this semester.. and will be home for good! Well, that is of course if she doesn't get a job offer in the holy hell land of Oklahoma. Bleh.

Tuesday, February 5, 2013

Quote That

A few quotes that have been extremely relevant to my life lately. They have inspired me.

"Let no man pull you low enough to hate him." - Martin Lurther King

"Expectation is the root of all heartache"- William Shakespeare

"Monsters are real, ghost are real too. They live inside us, and sometimes, they win."- Stephen King

"My heart is a thousand years old. I am not like other people."- Charles Bukowski

"New beginnings are often disguised as painful endings."- Lao Tzu

"Sometimes I'm terrified of my heart; of it's constant hunger for whatever it is it wants. The way it stops and starts."- Edgar Allan Poe

"Pour yourself a drink, put on some lipstick, and pull yourself together."- Liz Taylor

Friday, February 1, 2013

Writing is bleeding

I went back and read all of my posts on this blog.. and I noticed that my more recent posts have not been positive with a side of my usual dry humor (only when writing). I was strangely bothered by this. I have private journals, the good ole pen and notebook kind of journal. Over the years I have collected a mountain... you can now find these tucked away high on my closet shelf. Once I finish a "private journal", it gets thrown in the stack with the forgotten mountain and all their friends. I try not to read back through them.. they are ugly, dark, and full of things no one person should revisit.
I had not realized that my recent posts of my blog were starting to act as if they were wanting to jump right into the pages of my "private journal". Now, mind you.. those post.. the ones found in my "private journal" are nothing, and I mean nothing close to what you find on my blog. But I still saw it running in that direction. After starting my blog, I have become less private. I have been running less to my "private journals" and started throwing my thoughts and feelings out for all of you to see.
Being vulnerable is a huge key to acting; pulling yourself out for all to see. I live, breathe, walk, talk... acting. Am I being vulnerable out of habit or practice?

Wednesday, January 23, 2013

Hi, I'm Me

Hi, I'm Annie and couldn't help you if I tried.
Two years ago, just two years ago, I walked into a room strong.. bold.. and ready for anything. Some how I ran into a foam pit full of toxic chemicals. I can't tell you why I stayed; they smelled nice, I guess. I was ready for 2013 to kick me out on my ass, I just didn't think so soon. Sitting here in the middle of January 2013, I have walked (given a little push; I won't lie) out of the toxic foam pit. Now what? The last two years have been planned and dictated by other people and I can't seem to figure out how I let that happen.
So. I stumble.. I stumble out into the open air and it feels foreign. If I could erase my mistakes, I wouldn't. Lessons learned; healing is beautiful.

Monday, January 21, 2013

Your soul to take- Demons

I sadly lost inspiration while writing this post. I have waited a few weeks to see if I would regain this inspiration, but life is short, so here you go.

Demons are said to haunt the soul they desire. The word "Haunt" can be taken in many ways... but should never be taken lightly. I like to think of being haunted as being hunted; you are, you are being hunted. I believe it is extremely obvious to spot someone who is being hunted by a demon. Call me crazy, but I can spot them for miles. These people, the ones being hunted, always have a certain ring of doubt in their eyes. They tend to be gorgeous but not your usually pretty boy... they are actually jaw dropping beautiful. Although you can never put your finger on what makes them so damn breath taking. It's probably the demon... drawing you into lust like a worm on a hook. They walk to the beat of the Devil. Swaying eyes back and forth, hoping they are not seen but to only have their presence felt. Rather they know it or not, their presence is always felt, at least I feel it.
These people, the chosen ones, hate many things.. unhappiness drowns them. They carry it with them and display this hate with facial expressions. But when they smile, when they actually smile, it brightens the entire room. Heads turn in amazement... it is sinful.

I sadly lost inspiration while writing this post. I have waited a few weeks to see if I would regain this inspiration, but life is short, so here you go.

Wednesday, January 16, 2013

Tuesday, January 1, 2013

No title.. blah blah

It's 3:30 pm and I am just starting my day. As I sit here, enjoying my cup of coffee (in a Broadway New York mug, thanks sis) and biscotti (thanks Whole Foods), I can't help but get a sick feeling inside, "Damn, it's a new year... I must try and better myself." Let's be real, that's not happening. I will still stay up half the night and sleep most of the day. I will still use "inappropriate" language to enhance my daily speech. I will continue to eat cake (and love it) then run to the gym and work off every calorie like a mad woman. I will still wear mostly black and some form of gray... along side a powerful red lip. One thing I will change up this year, is my power. My power to except that I am a bit cold hearted, or the fact I never emotionally attach to anyone.. anything (minus my cat). I will even go as far as excepting the truth about myself. What's the truth about myself you wonder? Well, I have no idea... but a good guess says 2013 will tell me.