Friday, October 28, 2016

Death over Death

You should take my soul
You should take my life

Ignite it
Entertain my faith

I bet most of myself was lost
I'm taking over this body

Take the pain
Entertain my faith

I give you my soul
I give you my life

Ignite it
Entertain my faith

I fought it plenty and it seems empty

Behind both eyes
Seems only flesh is what I have

We were gifted with thought
It's our hearts that make the beat

Death over death
Faith over faith

Tuesday, May 12, 2015

The fairytale

The wolf came to me in my dreams again.
As she howled, I began to feel my mind cling closer and closer.
The eyes the wolf carried in it's mouth were mine. Blue like the deep sea. Grey like lost anger.
I reached for my heart, only to find it was gone also.
The blood. Red like hell. All the blood dripping from my arms, my veins releasing everything.
Cleansing of my body is what it felt like.
This is the end of everything, I thought to myself.
The wolf, she stood across from me.
My eye balls locked between her massive teeth.
I'll never see the light again, I thought to myself.
Like an out of body experience, I slowing offered my bleeding arms to the wolf.
I was thanking her. I was thanking her for taking all of me.
Down of my knees. Calm like I had planned all of this.
The black wolf began to drink from my veins. Taking all that's left undone.
The moment was still... nothing moving, making noise.
My head tilts back as I enjoy my blood draining.
Golden leaves slip away from the trees all around me. It's fall here in my dreams.
It's almost a dream from a fairytale.
I find myself crawling away from the wolf. I can not stand, walk, or feel.
I am at peace in this moment.
This world is beautiful I thought to myself. My fairytale.
I begin to vomit and this pauses my crawling.
Human hearts. Human hearts pass through my throat.
I still feel calm as I vomit human hearts. Looking back at the wolf, I notice she is sitting tall like a statue.
Proud, she is proud I have released these three human hearts from inside myself.
I find the will to stand. I can feel the monster rumbling from within me. He is strong, angry, and thirsty.
The wolf howls as I rip open the scar where my heart once was to make room for the monster to grow.
Like magic, new eyes are given to me. They are large. Black in color.
I glance at myself in the wolf's wild eyes. I am a nightmare in a child's dream.
My eyes are black... every each of them. My skin is paper white.
Blood drips over my body. But this time it is not mine.
The wolf walks slowly to my side. She drops her head low to the forest ground. Showing me she is now mine to rule over.
As if I have lived in this world before, I let out a howl and three black wolfs appear from the shadows.
They stand at my side licking the blood that drips from my nails.
Wonderland has never looked this way to me before, but it is in fact the same wonderland.

Suddenly I awaken from this dream. My eyes are normal and there is no blood around. Just a dream, it was all just a dream. I can feel my heart beating. Calmly beating inside my body. I look around at the bedroom for a moment wondering to myself why this hellish dream did not scare me. It was peaceful.

Tuesday, September 30, 2014

The people we knew in wonderland

Time after time, I find myself wondering in circles. Always the same circles. Always the same result. What would happen if I jumped out of the bubble. Ran? What would I become? 
I run back to the night I never met. I run in circles but it never happened. I like it all that way. 
Listening to teeth telling me how to quit. What if we never loved at all? 

She smiles and says, "You're broken, my darling". And just like that I fall back into my life. Sitting in an office with the phone lighting up, with the people screaming for more. Coffee slipping down my shirt. My mind spinning.

My daydream cut short by a complaining boss.

I felt like Alice in Wonderland... lost in the real world.... only alive in the world found in poor little Alice's mind. But I like it all that way. 

Looking back on my life, I see snap shots of who I was. Flashing in front of me like a large projection throwing images of someone I no longer knew. 
She was pretty. She was sure. She was lost. She was free. 

She saved me. 

I met many people-- many things, I should say-- while staying in Wonderland. 
A talking flower that would sing sweet words to whom ever would listen. 
A wise fox that whore glasses and always carried a book.
An owl with the ability to read minds. 
A scary wolf that could tell the future. 
A floating bubble that could take you anywhere in the world. 
A snake that would erase any sin of your choice. 

They all ran free in Wonderland but sadly they were trapped there. 

Maybe they didn't have it all.... 

Maybe they didn't want mortality. 

Maybe my daydreams where their nightmares. 

Maybe nightmares are just reality.  

Tuesday, September 16, 2014

The Unknown

Over the years I find myself lost. 
Truly lost at sea
But what's so wrong with that?

I prefer it this way.
I prefer looking away from the unknown.
I prefer not knowing 

What happens when the rest of the world moves forward?
What happens when the rest of us love?
What happens when it's not me?

I never look at myself in the mirror anymore. 
The face lost in motion is not mine.
The face gleaming back at me, she is not mine.

Over the years I find myself wondering.
Wondering around this hopeless world.
But what's so wrong with that? 

I like it this way.
I like looking away from this world 
I like not knowing 

What happens when it's over?
What happens when I look through the glass?
What happens when it's meant for me?

I never wonder in circles anymore.
The circles always turned black.
The circles haunting me, they are not mine.

Over the years, I have stopped looking for the unknown.

Tuesday, September 2, 2014

Getting featured and all

Some of you have been reading my blog from the start... and others have just started reading. Either way, I could not be more happy to share what I love to do with anyone willing to read.
Recently, like two days ago.... my blog was featured on the "hot and trending" blog, Every Day is a Holiday by Carrie Buchert. YAY, right?! Right!

 Here is the link! Check it out!

Thank you to everyone that has supported me through the years!

Thank you, thank you

Wednesday, July 30, 2014

How they did it

I liked walking in circles. You never knew what thought would hit you next. One minute you are laughing and the other, you are crying.
I liked running in circles. Emotions hit you fast. Racing.... circles.... racing.
A high like no other.

They snorted coke in a circle. I walked around them. Wondering how they did it.

They kissed in a line. I ran around them. Wondering how they did it.

I was never one to follow the threat. But something about this I liked. Danger... Free.
I never snorted or kissed openly (what the hell does that even mean?!).
My mom always wondered what was wrong. It was all the things I had seen.
All the things I knew about.

One night, my friend Jake and I sat on the cold, hard ground and talked about how we would want to die. I knew I didn't mean what I was saying... but I didn't know the same for him. He was dark. He was scary.... in a safe way. I didn't trust him but I knew he wouldn't hurt me-- I had too much on him.
He ran in circles. Keeping up with the flow. I watched... Wondering how he did it.
He was crazy.

I had long black hair and always gave a wicked smile. That was me. I was crazy.

"Try this. I promise you'll like it."
I never danced around in circles and I wasn't going to start.
I looked at the mushrooms in his hand. They looked sad crumbing to pieces.
I didn't want to play their game. I carried the ace.

They dazed over and over again. I laughed in circles. Wondering how they did it.

I look back now.... Wondering how they did it.

Friday, July 11, 2014

Double Daze

I missed smoking. There was something dirty about it that I found comforting from my crazed days in the city. I can remember meeting her on the park bench just before dark for our nightly smoke. She's who really got me smoking. I did it for her, until I started doing it for me. Drinking was kind of like that. One sip for taste. One bottle for pleasure. She's who really got me to stop drinking. I was doing it for me, until I started doing it for her. My friends would laugh at me about how much I could drink.... I would laugh at them about how much they could fuck.

Wonderland was the finest until it wasn't. Something about ignoring the rest of the world can bring you such power and freedom to be yourself. I liked things grunge. I liked the "I didn't brush my hair today look". I liked the dark eyeliner and red lips look. I liked my over sized vintage tops. I liked my boots. I liked being friends but never lovers. I liked being drunk. I liked being everything and nothing.
I liked it all. And I wanted it all. I had it all. I didn't care what the world thought.
Somewhere in the middle of all that, you find yourself in the rabbit hole. Lost in Wonderland and not knowing how to get out. She reached her hand out. And there, I was alive again.

Watching the smoke settle was like watching her fall in love. The ground would shake.
I can remember sitting on the side of the hill, legs swinging back and forth. Beer after beer, I was buzzed. The sun touched my face as I laughed into the clouds. I looked around and there were my friends. All sitting around more worried about watching their mate. That's when I knew it.... I wasn't like them. I wanted to make love to nature and free myself like any hippie. I didn't care about people. I didn't care about it.
Wanting nothing more than free drinks and a good time.... got me everything I never wanted. And so it was.

Looking back on my life, there was happiness, sadness, and craze. I don't know much about that person anymore. I'm sure she's in there somewhere. Locked away from the world... that was her favorite. She probably smiles when I drink and laughs when I smell smoke. She probably giggles when I dance gypsy circles and sling into a daze wrapped in red. I hope I have made her proud. I hope she's happy. Maybe we will meet again; different terms and we could have been ground breaking.

"Get you right where you'll like it. You'll like it, I promise, I swear", she whispered.
I was scared to trust her.... all the visions of my past came running back to me.
But I jumped (what was one last time... for good measure).
She was right. I would like it. I would be addicted to the touch, to the high.
She lead me right down the path to my heart.
I will never be able to thank my evil twin. She gave me everything I never knew I wanted.
Sometimes when Kelsey isn't looking, I will stare at her. In all her perfection, I stare. I smile as I think about the voice in my head, "Get you right where you'll like it. You'll like it, I promise, I swear."

So yeah, she's still in there. And I don't mind.