Monday, June 18, 2018

In Circles

Deep down into the heart of gold, lives the tiny marking of black smut.
Within that forgotten black hole, lies the truth.
Its horrible really. The hate, the empty space, the pain.
I find myself running circles; like many years before.
How deep does the dark go? No one ever really knows.
I always pictured myself dancing. Throwing my head back, arms in the air.... dancing.
Smiling. I was always smiling in this fake vision of myself. Smiling, dancing, living.
Is that what holds the black smut? The heavy truth of what never was. We never get it back.
Death is around each corner and we never get back what is lost.
Pain lives on like an enormous opportunity. What are we suppose to learn from it?
How to be happy? I thought that's what it was.
We'll never get it back. You never do.
Walking like zombies in circles. Always in circles.

Tuesday, November 21, 2017

Roller Coasters

I never liked roller coasters. They were dangerous, unpredictable, and foolish.
My head titled back so my eyes could see the stars. That's all I ever wanted.
We began to move...  our feet lifting off the cold grass. I held my breath as I always did.
"I am foolish", I thought to myself. I feared roller coasters,and yet here I was.
My arms floated passed my head. There in that moment, the world was clear. 
We spun around and around. Feeling free and lifeless.

For as long as I can remember. I have floated. 

Wicked Wicked

A witch gave me a crazy pill. That's why I'm insane.
I'm insane because a witch gave me a crazy pill.
Pure as snow, she said. Red as blood, she said. Black as magic, she said.
Around and around her spell went. Over and under her spell went.
That's why I'm insane.
My eyes opened wide. My mouth closed shut. My heart bleeding out.
Running, running, going.
Passing the dead, passing the living.
That space in the middle.
That's why I'm insane.
A witch gave me more. she said so.

Friday, October 28, 2016

Death over Death

You should take my soul
You should take my life

Ignite it
Entertain my faith

I bet most of myself was lost
I'm taking over this body

Take the pain
Entertain my faith

I give you my soul
I give you my life

Ignite it
Entertain my faith

I fought it plenty and it seems empty

Behind both eyes
Seems only flesh is what I have

We were gifted with thought
It's our hearts that make the beat

Death over death
Faith over faith

Tuesday, May 12, 2015

The fairytale

The wolf came to me in my dreams again.
As she howled, I began to feel my mind cling closer and closer.
The eyes the wolf carried in it's mouth were mine. Blue like the deep sea. Grey like lost anger.
I reached for my heart, only to find it was gone also.
The blood. Red like hell. All the blood dripping from my arms, my veins releasing everything.
Cleansing of my body is what it felt like.
This is the end of everything, I thought to myself.
The wolf, she stood across from me.
My eye balls locked between her massive teeth.
I'll never see the light again, I thought to myself.
Like an out of body experience, I slowing offered my bleeding arms to the wolf.
I was thanking her. I was thanking her for taking all of me.
Down of my knees. Calm like I had planned all of this.
The black wolf began to drink from my veins. Taking all that's left undone.
The moment was still... nothing moving, making noise.
My head tilts back as I enjoy my blood draining.
Golden leaves slip away from the trees all around me. It's fall here in my dreams.
It's almost a dream from a fairytale.
I find myself crawling away from the wolf. I can not stand, walk, or feel.
I am at peace in this moment.
This world is beautiful I thought to myself. My fairytale.
I begin to vomit and this pauses my crawling.
Human hearts. Human hearts pass through my throat.
I still feel calm as I vomit human hearts. Looking back at the wolf, I notice she is sitting tall like a statue.
Proud, she is proud I have released these three human hearts from inside myself.
I find the will to stand. I can feel the monster rumbling from within me. He is strong, angry, and thirsty.
The wolf howls as I rip open the scar where my heart once was to make room for the monster to grow.
Like magic, new eyes are given to me. They are large. Black in color.
I glance at myself in the wolf's wild eyes. I am a nightmare in a child's dream.
My eyes are black... every each of them. My skin is paper white.
Blood drips over my body. But this time it is not mine.
The wolf walks slowly to my side. She drops her head low to the forest ground. Showing me she is now mine to rule over.
As if I have lived in this world before, I let out a howl and three black wolfs appear from the shadows.
They stand at my side licking the blood that drips from my nails.
Wonderland has never looked this way to me before, but it is in fact the same wonderland.

Suddenly I awaken from this dream. My eyes are normal and there is no blood around. Just a dream, it was all just a dream. I can feel my heart beating. Calmly beating inside my body. I look around at the bedroom for a moment wondering to myself why this hellish dream did not scare me. It was peaceful.

Tuesday, September 30, 2014

The people we knew in wonderland

Time after time, I find myself wondering in circles. Always the same circles. Always the same result. What would happen if I jumped out of the bubble. Ran? What would I become? 
I run back to the night I never met. I run in circles but it never happened. I like it all that way. 
Listening to teeth telling me how to quit. What if we never loved at all? 

She smiles and says, "You're broken, my darling". And just like that I fall back into my life. Sitting in an office with the phone lighting up, with the people screaming for more. Coffee slipping down my shirt. My mind spinning.

My daydream cut short by a complaining boss.

I felt like Alice in Wonderland... lost in the real world.... only alive in the world found in poor little Alice's mind. But I like it all that way. 

Looking back on my life, I see snap shots of who I was. Flashing in front of me like a large projection throwing images of someone I no longer knew. 
She was pretty. She was sure. She was lost. She was free. 

She saved me. 

I met many people-- many things, I should say-- while staying in Wonderland. 
A talking flower that would sing sweet words to whom ever would listen. 
A wise fox that whore glasses and always carried a book.
An owl with the ability to read minds. 
A scary wolf that could tell the future. 
A floating bubble that could take you anywhere in the world. 
A snake that would erase any sin of your choice. 

They all ran free in Wonderland but sadly they were trapped there. 

Maybe they didn't have it all.... 

Maybe they didn't want mortality. 

Maybe my daydreams where their nightmares. 

Maybe nightmares are just reality.  

Tuesday, September 16, 2014

The Unknown

Over the years I find myself lost. 
Truly lost at sea
But what's so wrong with that?

I prefer it this way.
I prefer looking away from the unknown.
I prefer not knowing 

What happens when the rest of the world moves forward?
What happens when the rest of us love?
What happens when it's not me?

I never look at myself in the mirror anymore. 
The face lost in motion is not mine.
The face gleaming back at me, she is not mine.

Over the years I find myself wondering.
Wondering around this hopeless world.
But what's so wrong with that? 

I like it this way.
I like looking away from this world 
I like not knowing 

What happens when it's over?
What happens when I look through the glass?
What happens when it's meant for me?

I never wonder in circles anymore.
The circles always turned black.
The circles haunting me, they are not mine.

Over the years, I have stopped looking for the unknown.